STFU Illegal Trail Protocol
The first rule of illegal trail riding is...We don’t talk about illegal trail riding.
I don’t want to go into the why’s and why nots of riding illegal trails. Local councils are now getting a bit pissed that some of you guys are still riding them even though they have just let you build , at your own cost, breaking your own back, a consented grade 3 trail in that lovely meadow just yonder. That’s their reasoning to me. But that’s like telling Lewis Hamilton to drive his formula one car around Oriental bay. I tried to tell those in the know that we need to take a stand. We pay our taxes, be good citizens and we are no different a group of people from walkers (we just dress little different) yet we get discriminated against just as different looking people did/do in many countries including ours. So how do we all get treated equally?....by fighting for our rights! Ok, so I tried a little Martin Luther King type rally a while back but only my mum and second cousin turned up. So I rang the council and was advised to write a submission and attend some meetings and zzzzzzzzzzz. Godammit…life is too short.
Sure, most of us don’t have to ride illegally built trails, but some of us have to. Who? Rad people like me who want to be challenged by extremeness. Also famous people like me who can’t ride trail parks because it causes stampedes in the car park from autograph hunters. I’m a little bit jaded from getting stopped every 5 minutes by “hey aren’t you that Dick from Spoke Magazine”. Geez…it’s Rodrick “Rod”, not Richard “Dick”…why does everyone always get my name wrong?
So with everyone following me into my secret little grade 6+ trails I had to come up with this protocol.
“shut the f___ up illegal trail protocol rules”
1. Don’t talk about the trail
2. Don’t give the trail a name then it’s harder to break rule #1
3. If you have to share a trail, choose that person carefully…are they on FB/Instagram and how many friends/followers do they have? Do they always try to fit in with the cool group? Are they always out to impress others? Will they fold when tortured? These are all indicators of who NOT to include.
4. Ensure all entry and exit points are camouflaged and that you carry your bike in and out to prevent a trail forming
5. Everytime you go in, stop and read the riot act. Each new rider needs to be put in a compromising situation eg. “if you post this ride on social media or are found to have been talking about it then we will post that pic of you at Dave’s 21st when you had your pants down and were…”
6. If someone gets hurt ( like a stubbed toe or something), drag them out to somewhere legal before you dial “111”, (if there's blood then best not be responsible for someones death, get evac'd immediately)
7. Don’t build any structures, berms , jumps etc. Councils have sleepless nights over that stuff. If you keep it looking natural then it’s just an animal path you stumbled across.
8. Don’t get caught, and especially don’t get caught digging.
9. If you do get caught by ;
a) the council/landowner : you are just helping a little old lady find her dog (unless you’re digging, then you need to call your lawyer).
b) a walker: be polite and give way and remind them that you pay your taxes too and it’s a free country and you are not hurting anyone and some rules are just silly and would you rather me be sniffing glue and tagging your fence madam?
10. Don't ride illegal trails...you'll just ruin it for everybody.
With most things, if you take/use without asking then you will just offend. If you know permission isn’t coming then just STFU about it. In a nutshell you just need to keep it quiet, like the tree in the forest, if no-one knows you are there then are you really there? Mmmmm, I could take that to court .
Rod "I had no idea this was walkers only" Bardsley